After receiving clarity yesterday that I had no choice but to end my budding relationship I prayed on the matter and waited for him to call me.
He does not overstand why I am ending it, no matter how much I try to explain he does not get the fact that spying on someone, testing someone and having someone followed is not a normal thing to do in a relationship! In fact he told me plain out that it is normal to do so to see if someone is who they claim to be! For me that is incomprehensible I was taught to look at someones actions, listen to their words, trust my instinct in order to see if someone was trustworthy or not. We talked and talked till I was blue in the face but still he would not accept the fact that I was not able to live like this anymore.
Didn't he treat me like a queen, did he not take care of me when I got sick, wasn't he loving to my sons, did he not pamper and spoil me? Did he not accept my livity and respect it? Yes to all of the questions, BUT the fact remains that the second we are not together, he calls and starts a police investigation! Where are you, who with, are there men there? Why am I not home, why do I hang around with so and so, Why am I not calling from my home phone when I say I am home? Why is my phone busy who was I talking to was it a man? Why do I walk so close to my little brothers, why do I cuddle them why do I call them lobi fu mi ati (love of my heart)
He ended the conversation with: "There is no choice in the matter of us being together, take some time to get used to things but you are mine" I was to dumbstruck to ask what the hell that meant! I want to take it as:" we belong together and will end up together again" but I think I have to take into consideration that he meant that he was not going to back off it was a closed deal already.
My brothers are pissed at the situation mainly because I live so far from Amsterdam and am totally on my own. One of them has not moved from my home ever since we put my eldest son on the airplane, which meant taking an unpaid leave of absence from his job. They have asked me several times if I'm afraid of him and I can honestly say that I am not. It was suffocating but never frightening. Somehow they think I am seeing this way to romantic and that if I am not frightened yet I will be soon as soon as he realizes that I was serious about not seeing each other anymore.
For the last 2 weeks I have done all I can to avoid contact with him. What no one seems to overstand is that I really am crazy about this man. I do not trust myself to be around him and not kiss, hug, sniff him. My brothers seem to think it is a spell he put on me, and gave me a ritual bath and my father send a golden chain that I have to wear at all times. Somehow they cannot comprehend that there is no spell on me but Love.
I need to find a way to make myself strong and not to fall for his charm and sweet talk, but in my minds eye I still myself with him standing besides me as my king man.
How does one let go of a relationship that hasn't caused heartache but brought joy, love, overstanding and pure fun???!!!!
keep your head up!
You're a smart independent woman and I hope you don't forget that! :) It sounds like you've made the best decision and honey, Whitney is here to tell you that your decision was for the best. Stay strong sistah!
Thanks for being so brave...
..and sharing your story. It further confirms my decision to leave my husband of 6 and a half years and father of my only child. While I didn't get the interrogation when we were apart, I was being mentally and emotionally abused.
We had been back and forth - breaking up and getting back together - several times. All for the sake of maintaining our marriage I have forgiven and overlooked infidelity that resulted in 2 children and his repeated troubles in the legal system. In early May I decided to put a stop to it and live for myself and my Princess. When I told him he was calm and seemingly understanding. When we spoke at a later time, he pulled out every trick in the book and every rationale to get me to change my mind. I felt guilty, depleted and like I was abondoning our family and going back on my vows. After that conversation, I refused to accept his calls and after several failed attempts, he got the message and stopped calling. I haven't heard from him since. He didn't even call on our Princess' b-earthday two weeks ago.
I had written in my journal numerous times that we were through and this is the absolute last time. Call it temporary insanity for all the times I took him back - the insanity has come to an end.
May the Most High strengthen you during this time. I pray the love you deserve finds its way to you.
Ase!
Sis. Nzinga
~I affirm that I am a divine wombman who lives a life of courage, adventure and bliss!
http://nzinga360.blogspot.com/
YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TO DO
SHALOM SIS,
SOMETIMES SISTERS NEED TO HEAR IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE TO CONFIRM THEIR THOUGHTS. SOMETIMES WE DON'T KNOW IF OUR THOUGHTS ARE JUST FOOLISH AND MIGHT NEED SOME VALIDATION. WELL IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE THAT RESPONDED IS ON THE SAME PAGE. SEPERATE YOURSELF FOR REALLLLLL. YOU'LL HAVE NO TIES. YEAH HE TREATED U EXCELLENT BUT YOU CAN PROBABLY TREAT YOURSELF BETTER.
GIRL KEEP IT MOVING.
SHALOM
Make steps in the right direction
Greetings Sis,
I think you made a brave and honest step with expressing yourself in this blog. I also respect you for not hiding your situation with your family. Many women who are getting danger signs from a man will hide it very well. I was a woman who hid it extremely well when I was being abused.
Coming from an abused situation and escaping it has been a painful but powerful experience. I suggest you do the same - escape the abuse even though you will go through some pain. You haven't mentioned that this man has physically abused you but he is physiologically and mentally abusing you. Physiological and mental abuse is something that women tend to disregard until the physical abuse happens.That's the reason why you are confused about your situation. Not to mention, mental and psychological abuse leaves worse scars then physical.
Iya Raet gave some really good advice as well. Please leave this man for good if you want the best for you and your children.
Last thing...one thing that really helped me to leave my abusive situation was to talk to other women who were supportive and wise. Even if you have to call a hotline for support,it's well worth it.
I agree with everything....
the other sistahs said...the comment about "no choice in the matter" left me COLD. That is not a loving thing to say...that's a flat out threat. This could become a dangerous situation. While he may care about you in his own way, he has invested a lot of time and effort in "making" you fall for him and through that time and effort he feels like he has bought you. Sis, sometimes things that appear too good to be true really are. Give thanks that he revealed himself before he became way too mixed up in your life and also be glad that you are strong enough and have enough sense of self (and enough loving support from your family) to recognize that this situation is WRONG. Too many of us rationalize that erratic, irrational behavior as love and stay in relationships that turn real ill real fast. Please continue to pray, be cautious, recognize what you have gained from this relationship, cut your losses, and be blessed.
PEACE,
Plenteous
I feel danger...
all around this man...he has as Iya Raet has spoken of all of the classic signs of an abuser...he sees you as his property and that is where abuse begins...please use the utmost caution and care and work very hard to protect yourself and your children from him...I pray strength to you and I have been there so I know strength is what you need...but having read your words here as well as on your blogspot I know that you are not only strong but protected as well!
sending you love light and healing
http://yeyeyeyeo.blogspot.com
Mothering is an act of revolution!
I'm sensing a pattern here...
Sister, you already know what needs to happen, you just put it in writing. The only thing I would add is to become more conscious of who you are getting into relationships with and why. If I remember correctly, wasn't the father of your children a bit jealous and controlling as well? As I read this I began to get mixed up, and for a moment I thought you were still talking about your ex! Right now you need to sit down and figure out, think back, go all the way back to childhood even, and overstand why you choose men who are jealous and controlling. What happened in your life that caused you to believe that this was acceptable treatment?
Obsession and distrust is not love
Obsession is not love. Love is free. Will you really have trouble geetting over love or are you having trouble getting veor intimacy and company?
The safety of yourself and your CHILDREN is how you get over it. Get out now. You have nothing vested(money, children, business, etc.). You have been lucky to see the EXIT SIGN first. Your children do not deserve to see you being abused emotionally or physically by a man. Manipulation, stalking, obsession, is all abuse, not love. You deserve more than love, but also Respect. He does not respect you. You are a grown woman, not his child. You are not even his wife.
"There is no choice in the matter of us being together, take some time to get used to things but you are mine"
Please leave this man alone and be cautious, like the your family said. If he proceeds to bother you, have your father or brothers call him and make it clear. Men leave women alone who have family support. Please dont play games with him or lead him on either.