i was folding clothes on saturday
and having a conversation with Oshun
and i came to the realization
that i just don't think that marriage is good.
there isn't anything about it that i have seen that makes me believe
that it is worth it.
i have paid lip service to the goodness of it from time to time
i have imagined myself married to some wonderful human being
and i have gotten to the point that i would consider having a wedding
(cause i used to not want one of those either...OR any of the accompanying bridal hoopla)
and i was sittin there...
and it fell on me
that i just don't believe it's good
i WANT to believe it
but i don't
and i was FLOORED...cause i hadn't been honest wit myself
years ago i remember tellin my mom (i was in either middle or high school at the time) that i thought that marriage is just something that christian people use to legitimize sex and when the heat is gone then you're left with two people who don't even like each other.
i can't say that my view on marriage is EXACTLY the same...
cause i was christian very very christian when i made that statement. so it wasn't that i was tryna make any statement against christianity, or even against the ideal of marriage. in my observations though...the reality fell FAR short of the ideal the vast majority of the time.
and as i type this...my parents are still together and THEIR marriage is WONDERFUL...right now...it seems to be all that either of them ever wanted in a union. it wasn't always that way though...it took about 11 years of sheer hell to get to that other side.
i don't have 11 years of suffering through unhappiness IN me...nowhere...
i have some tolerance for dissatisfaction...not being completely happy in every single moment...
what i cannot bear
is that every compromise
seems to be made on the back of the woman
every time somebody has to give up something
it has to be the woman
okay...that's not entirely true...
i was my father's confidant
the entire time that there was trouble in the land
and he suffered too
and he gave up stuff too
it just doesn't seem worth it
he said that he stayed for the sake of my brother and i
because we didn't ask to come here
and we needed a father...
there were times that i wished that he just wouldn't do me that particular favor
i know that i wouldn't be the same woman that i am today
if he'd made the decision to leave
or if my mom had made the decision to leave
but i wonder what it would have been like
to just be a daughter
and not "the peacemaker"
or "the counselor"
or "the confidant"
and perhaps that is at the root of my problem
or at least a part of it
cause i kept the peace in my home at my own expense every day.
i did not allow any feelings that i had on any matter to get in the way
of making things as smooth and as peaceful as i possibly could
i think that i fall into that kind of behavior in relationships
until i end up choking on a sadness/anger/resentment cocktail
that's how i felt with my parents
i think i've been doing a fair job of letting my feelings out in this relationship
it was easier with some of my other ones...
but none of them made it quite this long...so i've had to fight my old habits
i am afraid
that i don't know how to "love properly"
that i don't know how to choose a good mate
and that no matter WHO i'm in relationship with...there will be bullshit
and it will be bad
and i will suffocate slowly and die
until i am a shell of myself
how can i be any good to myself like that
how can i mother anybody like that...because whatever else is going on...THAT is something that i know i want to do...be a mother...and Oshun made me a promise and i believe her...cause she ain't never let me down.
and my Ori says..."what would you tell your daughter?"
i would say
it's good that you know what's wrong
that is a beginning
you have a starting place
i would say
i love you
and no amount of hurt or anger that you're feeling
no matter how ugly you feel
that hasn't and won't change
i would say
i believe in you
that i remember every trial
and ever triumph that you have experienced
and i know that you will come through this one
i would say
it's okay to fall apart
i will hold your edges in place
so you can put the pieces back together when you get ready
i would say
don't rush
this ain't a race
there's no hurry pick it apart as slowly as you need to
you are a black woman
you are eternal
you have forever to figure this out (c) my iya
i would say
there is something sweet on the other side, baby
i know it
just hold on
keep puttin one foot in front of the other
if the horizon get's to be too much
just watch your feet
if your steps get to be over much
stand still a lil while
and when you feel able
inch forward
i would say
eat real good food
have chocolate by your bed
drink plenty of water
have an orgasm when you feel like it
with or without a friend
get plenty of sleep
get plenty of fresh air
the end is closer than you think...
Seems like....
...disillusionment has found its way to you and you have accepted it. I truly believe this is key toward having more healthy relationships, beit marriage, friendship, parent-child...etc. Much encouragement and well wishes as you continue redefining yourself and your position.
thank you sista...
peace and blessings to you!
some women wait for themselves around the next corner and call the empty spot peace but the opposite of living is only not living ... Audre Lorde
Maferefun Osun!
Sistah Keepah
Sistah, Those very words that you will tell you daughter, first tell yourself. Well, let me tell you. Sistah friend in the spirit of the Most High God,
it's good that you know what's wrong
that is a beginning
you have a starting place
i love you
and no amount of hurt or anger that you're feeling
no matter how ugly you feel
that hasn't and won't change
i believe in you
that i remember every trial
and ever triumph that you have experienced
and i know that you will come through this one
it's okay to fall apart
i will hold your edges in place
so you can put the pieces back together when you get ready
i would say
don't rush
this ain't a race
there's no hurry pick it apart as slowly as you need to
you are a black woman
you are eternal
you have forever to figure this out (c) my iya
there is something sweet on the other side, baby
i know it
just hold on
keep puttin one foot in front of the other
if the horizon get's to be too much
just watch your feet
if your steps get to be over much
stand still a lil while
and when you feel able
inch forward
eat real good food
have chocolate by your bed
drink plenty of water
have an orgasm when you feel like it
with or without a friend
get plenty of sleep
get plenty of fresh air
the end is closer than you think...
LIFE
THANK YOU SISTA!
that's exactly why i wrote it...
the things that we would say to our children
are often the things tha we most need ourselves...
*HUGE SMILE*
some women wait for themselves around the next corner and call the empty spot peace but the opposite of living is only not living ... Audre Lorde
Maferefun Osun!
A change is coming....
Osunyoyin,
I was reading your blog "a lament/a response" and was moved to affirm and share with you. When writing to your daughter to be...i also remember planning and speaking and thinking into being my daughter. Realize, i do not have a daughter. I was blessed with a son, Tahj. But before, before his coming, I too spoke to Oshun, I have a alter to her as her daughter and I too knew my daughter was coming...I now know that I was speaking to the parts of myself, I buried out of protection. I secured my precious early from parents who still married after 30+ years also inititated my sister and I as enablers...we too were peace keepers and reasons why they deferred self-development and growth... I have been married and too agree that it is not a health-full concept for most of us...because we marry concept and expectation...and not the like energy needed to grow and come into being...Now single and a mother of a son, I realize that the Creator gave me what I needed. I was soooo into my daughter to be and I now know it was me that I was wishing, praying and preparing for....Just think how needed we are to raise and guide our lil boys soon to be grown men...how necessary we are in the process of redefiniton of gender and role and thought and action...wow...we have a task at hand...and it is us women who have witnessed and internalized the know better of having to care for others who are blessed with this challenge...I love that you challenge the concept of marriage...the foundation of what it is to be....I too work on this daily...I am just trying my best to live a life that is in rhythm with my coming, that is complimentary to spirit and that nurtures others spiritually...and what I am most happy about is that you have lightened your load and feel a bit more free
shahn
Feeling, Thinking, and Writing Possiblility...
indeed...
Peace Sistren...
it is always a lovely thing to run across another child of Oshun...Greetings in the name of our mother who is The Source!
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. thank you for celebrating my newfound lightness.
i didn't even consider that i was speaking my daughter into being! wow!
i was actually doing an exercise that my sisterfriends and i do that helps you to treat yourself well. the assumption is that we want the best for our children and we will give them the most sweet and gentle loving attention. so...we ask ourselves what we would say to our child if they came to us with the same issue. because we often fail to be that gentle and nurturing to ourselves...
i agree that raising sons is a huge task...making sure that they are actual human beings...and i agree with you that we are usually the people who have thought about all of that re-definition of self...i often think about it because my younger brother (age 27) and my godson (age 2) remind me that we start out the same...with the same needs for love and warmth and comfort and joy and the same vulnerabilities and the same emotional reactions...somewhere in the socialization in this place...it gets murky and things are covered over in the effort to not be feminine and therefore subject to persecution...
all of the sistas i see with sons though, you all always seem to be fully equipped to raise them wonderfully!
i am in awe of mothers EVERYWHERE...i believe that giving birth gives you super powers *smile* and any mother that is doing it by herself...i bow EXTRA deeply to y'all!
peace and bliss
Oyin
some women wait for themselves around the next corner and call the empty spot peace but the opposite of living is only not living ... Audre Lorde
Maferefun Osun!
I'm also seeing a lot of
I'm also seeing a lot of myself in this post, but I'm feeling like I could be the parent in the future using my child as the confidant and I don't like that feeling. I know I need healing and I'm having a really hard time dealing with my past and have brought a lot of past spirits into my relationship without realizing it. I'm 24 and have been married for 2 and a half years and already I don't feel like I am going to make it.
My husband and I , we are so alike, yet so different. I feel like we are not in tune spiritually and never really have been. I feel as though we are going in two different directions. I want to be health conscious, he would rather continue on the diet America has chosen for us. I want to be financially stable while not having to work for someone else, he keeps looking to someone else to provide him a means of income. I want to exercise, he wants to sit around. One major thing though, is I hardly ever feel like making love to him. I've always got something on my mind. I feel like I have all these mixed energies and I can't focus on the relationship and really improving it. In a past relationship of three years, I was the one doing all the work(or at least I felt like it) and in this one, I feel like it again.
Like I want to do all the compromising and he wants to do none of it. At the same time I feel like if I weren't carrying around excess baggage, we would have a more fulfilling relationship. I don't know how to get rid of this and really cleanse my spirit. I'm starting to regret ever getting married and having a child.
I wish I would have waited until I was more mature spiritually than anything. Now, I feel stuck and don't know how I am supposed to reach new and higher dimensions within myself so that I can say I KNOW how to "love properly" instead of beating myself up over not knowing how to really relate to someone.
I never had a mother/father, king/queen relationship to model my own after. My father wasn't there and my mother always had a companion, but never anyone who stuck around long enough to give us an example of what a good relationship looks like.
I'm so confused and scared for my future, I don't know what to do and it hurts so much. I truly do love my husband, but I don't think it's fair to him or even me to have to have him to stand back while I figure things out simply because I wasn't grounded enough to really have a relationship.
I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. Love you my sisters! Even though I haven't been here long, I know that here I have a group of women who deeply care and are willing to lend an ear.
Peace, Love, and God Bless,
Kendra
on change and whatnot
Peace Sistren...
i have a couple of thoughts on your situation... okay maybe 3 thoughts *smile*
i'm not sure what your spiritual path is and i do not wish to recommend anything to you that might make you feel a way...but i WILL say that it sounds like a total body cleanse would be helpful at this time...I KNOW I NEED ONE! LOL... but i find that a fast of any kind...be it from food or television or whatever...causes me to gain more clarity because i am not distracted by my addictions to food/television/sex/whatever...so instead of all of those outside voices...i'm able to hear MY voice...
you may want to check out Sacred Woman by Queen Afua for the dietary stuff...the gateway 0 diet is the TRUTH! and if you can manage to pray while you're fasting...it's truly healing and wonderful.
the fact that you are concerned about turning your child into your confidant means that you have the ability to make the conscious choice not to. during your healing process...you can be praying for a healthy group of positive sista friends. cause EVERY human being needs a good support system.
as far as your husband is concerned...you might wanna try communicating your fears to him...not necessarily that you're starting to regret ever getting married and having a child. but let him know...
try something like i'm discovering that i have some issues in these areas right here that need work. and what i am doing right now is trying to figure it all out.
marriage doesn't mean that you cease to change and grow and transform...it just means that somebody else is right there so you might wanna give them a heads up. i'm not sayin that i'm an expert AAAAAT ALLLLLLLLLL...BUT think about it as if it's a relationship with a homegirl...somebody you've known forever...if she felt like some of her stuff was being kicked up by you all's friendship and she needed a second to figure all of that out... how would you want it to be said to you?
and i mean at least that way you're not worryin about whether or not it's fair to have him wait while you figure it out....cause he can make an informed decision about what HE wants to do while you're doing what YOU want to do.
if you want/need/desire a particular kind of support from him then tell him so. i find that men are very task oriented. so you may want to think about what he could be doing for you that would be helpful at this time. is there a way that he can check in with you? is there something that you need him to NOT do? if he's wanting to be supportive...having "tasks" for him is good. let him know how he can demonstrate his support of you in ways that feel nice for you.
in one of my clearer moments a few years ago...a gentleman who was courting me asked me what my definition of love was...and i said
it's feeling supported, augmented and understood
it's showing up even when things aren't pretty and you don't necessarily feel like it
it's knowing that sometimes you need to shet the hell up and just hold somebody's hand...
i think it's okay to not know your way...cause even if you had a model...each relationship is different. and each person is different. i think that if you can communicate and both people have good intentions...then you have a whole lot goin for you...
it also sounds to me like you are starved for pleasure...i also recommend Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. i always find it to be the perfect compliment to Sacred Woman...
you can get them both on www.half.com for a low low cost
i hope that some of that made sense and was at least a lil bit helpful...
peace and bliss to you!
Oyin
some women wait for themselves around the next corner and call the empty spot peace but the opposite of living is only not living ... Audre Lorde
Maferefun Osun!
These are the times that try womens' souls...
Thank you both for sharing these intensely personal feelings. I definatley felt that post and every week I read or listen to or experience the same conflicting emotions. At this point I feel it's an epidemic that our generation is facing.
We are completely at our wits end with the relationship thing:
Our gender roles have been confused...
We come from disfunctional homes...
Western psychology and thinking is confusing..
Racial identity and cultural traditions are hazy...
Differing finances & education levels create even more differences.
We are not our parents, the times are completely different and we have no tools or roadmap to follow. Do we abandon our men and become childless, or have children who are fatherless? I feel that a lot of sisters have turned to lesbianism as a direct result of these issues. I also see a lot of other sisters bitter, apathetic and lonely after ending relationships and going years and years without a man as a consequence.
If you are not happy with yourself, your relationship or your past you will not be healthy in or out of a relationship. For myself..I seek Happiness that's the BEST me in ALL conditions. I HAVE LOVE, WE ALL DO IN SOME WAY BUT YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS will tell you what you need to fix.
Whether I am single or in a serious relationship my focus is to HEAL MYSELF, that's the only way I feel we can move toward the peace & happiness we all really want.
Give Thanks to all the sisters at ymib, who give and share in the circle..
Love
Yes Lioness...For The Lioness You Know, For The Empress You Love, For The Goddess You Are!
Greetings Sistren!
Greetings Sistren!
If you are not happy with yourself, your relationship or your past you will not be healthy in or out of a relationship. For myself..I seek Happiness that's the BEST me in ALL conditions. I HAVE LOVE, WE ALL DO IN SOME WAY BUT YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS will tell you what you need to fix. Whether I am single or in a serious relationship my focus is to HEAL MYSELF, that's the only way I feel we can move toward the peace & happiness we all really want.
i agree wholeheartedly with this!
some women wait for themselves around the next corner and call the empty spot peace but the opposite of living is only not living ... Audre Lorde
Maferefun Osun!