Don't forget your strength...

These are words that a dear sister friend wrote on a pink sticky note to me before heading back to her then-temporary home in Houston when I first moved to San Antonio. These are words that have constantly repeated in my head and resonated within my Spirit over the nine months since she has written them. Why is it that as women we get so caught up in maintaining the perception that others have of us and in the process, forget our own strength? I asked myself this question only after realizing that for the past nine months, I had stifled and second-guessed myself so much so that I had forgot what it was that made me… Me. And if I didn’t completely forget, I at least aborted it in those moments where I thought it would be better to trust everyone else except for me.

Naturally, I am a cautious person. Being born under the sign of the bull, I take my time, think things through, listen to Spirit and pay close attention to my dreams. The flip side to this is that when I believe in something or someone, I’ll delve in completely with the firm belief that “everything is going to be alright.” Obstacles have never been an issue to me and with this mindset, I’ve remained in situations where I should have exited long before I actually did. I am loyal to a fault sometimes, mainly because I trust and remain loyal to others with such allegiance that I forget to return the favor to Self. Although I am naturally reserved and therefore hesitant, the one thing I don’t second-guess is dreams. So when my dreams are very active, as they have been for the past three months, I know that I need to slow down, disconnect from the fray, observe and listen. Although I may succeed in shutting out or ignoring the tugging feeling or still, small voice from within, when it comes to dreams, I am like an eager student studying for a test. I am attentive and ready to receive the lesson the teacher has for me; I am ready to learn and therefore grow from the instruction. Needless to say, Spirit knows how to communicate with me; Spirit knows how to get my undivided attention.

From the intense depth of my dreams, I have come to realize that there are two things I am to take from them - one, to finally release my insecurities and two, to elevate in my awareness of Self. Water has become so consistent in my dreams that I am surprised that I have not drowned in my sleep. If I am not falling into it, I am being submerged within it. I realized instantly that these things meant cleansing, re-birthing and re-emergence. I always wake up feeling as if I had just been baptized; I always wake up feeling refreshed. I had been so weighed down by attachment and uncertainty in my relationship that I actually started to look forward to going to sleep just so that I can awaken to some sort of newness. As a result, I would feel light, calm and free to the point that it almost felt wrong. Just when I started to question this serenity and nonattachment while awake, I’d fall asleep, only to have a lion meet me in my dreams. Staring directly into my eyes with a look that dared me to set it free, I knew upon awakening that the lion represented the strength within myself that I have silenced. The roar that was belted out before I opened my eyes resonated within my soul long after my eyes beheld the light of day. It didn’t take me long to realize that that roar was symbolic of the tugging feeling I often times feel but ignore. That tugging feeling, although it is challenging to properly explain, is my essence; it is my cornerstone; it is my strength; it is me. To deny it, as I have been, is to deny the very presence or Spirit that I AM; to deny it is to deny the gift of wisdom that has been given to me by the Creator.

Finally, strength has taken her rightful place in my life and is sitting on the throne of my heart where she belongs. She is re-familiarizing herself, having been shut out and abandoned for so long. She is moving gracefully, all the while remembering that in spite of situations and the respective outcomes, she is love. She is remembering to remember and by doing so, is resting soundly in that, which for a time, she had forgotten.

D.L. Carpenter
07-26-08