I love that Nina Simone song (Feelin Good) because it emotes so many things at once. She's singing about feeling good, but the slightly ominous nature of the melody lets you know it was no easy road coming to this place of piece. It's the kind of song I could imagine Harriet Tubman singing the first time she made it north. "I've been through hell, but I've come out strong, and I've come out singing." That's sort of how I've been feeling lately.
I've found a new sense of peace in my life through my spiritual studies and prayer on the path of the Orixas (I'm calling it that for now because I don't yet know if I'm headed toward Santeria, Lucumi, or what. I'm taking it very slow), my womb work, and going over the principles of Ma'at on a regular basis. My spirit has felt so full. So when my friend told me she wanted to have a women's gathering at her house Saturday, and to bring something for the altar, I didn't think twice and went to fill my spirit some more. That day would turn out to be more powerful than I'd ever imagined.
The gathering was small--the sister who was hosting it, myself, and 2 others. As we bowed our heads and our host read a Psalm (26th I think) as well as a prayer for Oshun, there was such a sacred energy moving through. To just be a circle of young Black women in prayer, that is something! Our host told us that our generation, after years of oppression and poverty, are some of the first to begin the healing process, and that our healing was important work, for the sake of our people and our ancestors who have watched over us as we came through it all. I'd never thought of it that way. But when I thought about it, just a generation ago, our mothers and fathers were facing jim crow. We are the turning point.
After the prayer, our hostess lead us through what I'm going to call some "ancestral work", which was something I'd been wanting to do but had no idea where to begin. She called upon each of our ancestors and relayed messages for us. When she came to me, her eyes widened, and she leaned backwards for a moment, overwhelmed. And I knew what she was overwhelmed by before she even said it: EVERYONE was talking. All at once. She told them to slow down and go one at a time. The first thing she told me was that my ancestors are from all over the place, which is why I'm drawn to so many cultural traditions and spiritual paths, and why I have such a strong connection to Latin America. When she told me this, I nearly went limp. I had always thought something was wrong with me, or that I was "confused", because that's what people told me. She told me that when I create my altar, it should have objects from different cultures and faiths on it, and not to worry if I was having trouble, I didn't have to build it right away. I was floored. I had been struggling all week with creating an altar, but feeling strange because there were so many different spiritual objects on it (I thought it was another reflection of my "confusion"). Wow.
They said that I was closest to them when listening to music, and that music was essential to me spiritually. (Again, crazy! Because when I go to dance class, when I play music, that is where my spirit soars. I'm home.). One woman said that I needed to follow an African based religion, to which my host disagreed and said I could follow whatever path suited me. But no, my ancestor was right, because the only spiritual traditions that have ever truly resonated with me are the African ones. She knows!
My friend went on to tell me that I come from a long line of mediums and Shamans, and that this was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what they had to say to me. This was the beginning of a new journey for me. I used to feel so lost not knowing anything about my ancestors. Sometimes I would just sit and cry, because I would sense this wall, and know there was something important for me on the other side of it. My friends and my mate could never understand why it was so important to me, or why I would get so emotional. Now I know why. They were all speaking to me quite urgently, and to some extent I could hear them. Now that first brick in the wall has come down. I came home that evening and cried like a baby, tears of joy and realization. I put on some Afro Cuban music and began to dance. Something inside me was free.
And now, as I move through this week, something is different. I see things with new eyes because I'm learning more about where I've come from, and I know I've been here before. I hold my head a little higher, my smile is a little brighter. I've been tested this week, people have come with foolish conflicts and drama, but I deal with it differently now. It doesn't bother me as much. I realize I have a higher purpose, and that those who came before are watching over me. How can I sweat the small stuff knowing that?