I am my hero. Doesn't mean I won't need help from others, but it does mean that all things won't fall apart when others are gone.

I'm learning how to love without smothering. I'm learning (slowly) how to appreciate ideas without co-oping them or rejecting them. I'm learning how to praise people without worshiping people. I'm learning how to turn off the damn television! I'm learning how to look in the mirror less and trust that my instincts have got me covered. And the biggest lesson of all, I'm learning that I don't have to wait until I'm 70 and senile to speak my mind...I can give you a healthy slice of it right now at 24.

"Barbados, if you feel like I do, scream out your own damn name!"*

I love myself...a lot. I didn't fully understand what it meant to 'love yourself' most of my years on this earth. I didn't understand the kind of impact that loving myself could have on me. When I look back on the times I was professing to love myself, I see now that it was more or less that elementary-school-puppy-love kind of loving--it didn't mean shit. But the love that I feel for myself now is full grown. That level of loving that I could only reach after knowing the pain of un-, mis-, mal-loving; after looking another human being in the eye and telling them "I can't live without you"; after lowering my standards for myself and others; after taking on a shape-shifter persona so I could feel comfortable in the boxes I allowed myself to be caged in. I'm proud to say that my love has come of age.

Understand however, that my rise from self-deprecating wannabe-ism to self-loving acceptance was not one of a meteoric nature. Before hate/indifference/stupidity could be turn into love, I had to journey for awhile through God's valley of pain. You know, that it-hurts-now-but-you're-going-to-thank-me-later kind of pain. After that, I took a long sojourn in the pool of understanding. While wading in those waters, I saw my reflection over and over and over. Every day, there I was. Every night, there I was. Every freakin' minute of the hour, there I was, it was always me looking back at me.

And that's when it hit me. No matter the circumstances, I will always be there. In the good times and at the breaking of new dawns, I will always be there. Despite the heartaches and the disappointments, I will always be there. As long as I have breath in my body, I will always be there.

I am my hero. Doesn't mean I won't need help from others, but it does mean that all things won't fall apart when others are gone.

"Barbados, if you feel like I do, scream out your own damn name!"*

Peace

*Line from that E.Badu piece in Essence's April issue.