Well, today is a turning point in my life. Over the past year or so I've been coming out of a period of dysfunction that has been going on since I was about 18. That was the age when I was given the world, and it all came crashing down at the same time. All my life I had this amazing great aunt. She was like the women you see in movies sometimes. Every time you come over she has a big hug and a plate waiting. She was the sweetest, warmest woman, as well as incredibly smart and witty. Growing up, she was my everything. Then when I was 18 she died in the strangest way. She was sitting in her late husband's easy chair, a chair she had sat in a million times before, and it closed up on her. It wouldn't open. She was home alone and struggled for over 3 hours to get free. Anyways, that took such a toll that her body gave out and she died a week or so later. Our family was devastated, but that was only the beginning.
When she passed, she left us everything. That was of course a blessing, but what followed was madness. My father was put in charge of her estate, a process that overwhelmed him (we had no idea but this was also the time alzheimer's disease was setting in for him). So many papers and lawyers and taxes to deal with, all while he was trying to grieve the loss of the woman who raised him. My older brother, younger sister and I each received an inheritance. I won't say what it was, but I will say it was sizeable. Keep in mind my parents were both teachers, both coming from very humble backgrounds. We never wanted for anything, but it's not like we ever had a whole lot either. They had no idea what to do or how to advise us. So they plunked it in our checking accounts and went on about their business. Now my brother was in his 30s so he was fine, but we were eighteen. We had been getting $40 a month allowance. We both went off the deep end and began to spend. Much of it was frivolous, but it did mean I was able to start my own business, travel, and go to college, all very good things. But I never really got over my great aunt's death. To this day I cannot say her name or even think of her without crying. But things shifted in such a way for our family that any talk of her was replaced with talk of money. Meaningful conversations with my brother morphed into lectures about real estate and finance. My mother became obsessed with "what ifs", since she felt left out of the entire process, she never gave me or my sister any advice. Now she constantly says if things had been in her control she would have held our money until we were 25 or 30, she would have made us live at home, etc.
I think somewhere in my subconscious, I wanted to be rid of the money because of what it did to my family. I really feel like I've lived through "A Raisin In The Sun!" Everyone put talk of finance in place of talking about feelings, we hurt each other and hid from each other, my sister and I because we were ashamed of how much we had wasted, my mother because she regretted not being there when we needed her most. Everything spun out of control. The saddest part is, my great aunt never even talked about money. Her family and her church, that's what was important to her. She was not out living the high life, she was out feeding the homeless. The greatest legacy she left us was one of love, and we completely missed it.
So the craziest thing is, I'm down to the last drop of my money and somehow I'm happy about it. There was so much grief wrapped up in that inheritance, and I feel better starting anew, making my own money and finding my own place in the world. I looked around my apartment at all the STUFF I've accumulated while running away from myself and my feelings, and I just started to throw it out. I don't want it anymore. Love is the most important thing, along with creativity and knowledge. Those are the things that make me happy and proud. The college degree that hangs on to the wall next to all my paintings, that trip to the motherland, and the man who walks in the door at 5 o'clock. I'm giving up the rest.
I'm very happy to say I have a second interview for an admin job at Columbia U. next week, which hopefully I'll get and I can take my first steps towards real independence.
I hope no one thinks I'm foolish or ungrateful for posting this. It's my story, and I've kept it inside for so many years because I never knew how others might take it. Many of my closest friends don't even know. But it's my truth, and it's hard to heal and not speak your truth. I'm ready to move forward from that place.