I just went through an episode and the first idea that came to mind was to blog about it here. I then thought of every reason in the world not to. You see I've been reliving a violation for the last two years and I'm just ready to be free of it. I dare not compare it to something as serious as being raped (although I have been) or any other human rights violation, but its a strong violation with suffocating tentacles and I'm ready to rid myself. As you well know sisters I suffered a failed engagement. Nothing special there. My pain comes from the circumstances surrounding the break-up. My guy and I decided to take a short hiatus to put some things in perspective. I don't want to give the impression that life was a joy for us during that period. We'd gotten engaged in February and seemed miserable ever since, obviously something was out of wack. I mean I look back on the evening of the engagement and it was so devoid of emotion that I don't know why I didn't take that as a sign. Even my bestie said I sounded so dead when i told her...she asked, "this is what you wanted, right?" At any rate, during that hiatus we'd managed to remain friendly and seemed to be making some progress as it felt like we remembered what it was like to just be together without the drama. I'd gotten an invitation to attend the Alex Haley Farm during a week for the Institute so I was there enjoying the scenery, taking in the lessons, really responding to my soul and I get an anonymous email telling me of my guys indiscretion that had been going on for the last three months. The problem is this person claimed to be friend of mine (even going so far as to use a moniker that would mean a LOT to both parties involved). The emailer never revealed their identity stating they had ties to all three persons and could not risk the damage to the relationships. Well initially I was ok with that. I had suffered his indiscretions before so this wouldn't be so new, however this turned out to be something entirely different. As the fire raged through me and my guy we turned on each other in the worst way and dealt some horrible blows. I really thought our relationship/friendship had been severed beyond repair. He moved in with the new woman and not only did I continue to get mocking emails from the anonymous "friend", but from the new woman as well. This went on for probably two months after the issue until I took a firm stand and ended all communication with all parties. After crawling from the bottom of depression and despair I'd gotten to a place of peace. Of couse guy comes back. I thought it would be cool and because I had done all this self work things would be different now. I didn't realize how much hurt I had in me. And most of it is the fear of beling vunerable again. See I left myself open to attack. I have no idea who that was yet I still feel as though they are in my inner circle. Of course I have my suspicions narrowed down to a small few, but how do you handle removing someone from your life based on a "feeling". They have yet to come forward and I don't know what I would do if they did. I think I am attaching that feeling to him and the idea of a new relationship. I feel like they go hand in hand. Now he wants to start anew...do things right he says. I asked for time...a 6 week period of reflection and healing. Of course to him its no more than a time for me to go buck wild and screw all of LA and nearby states He's giving me the time but needless to say he's not taking it well. A major portion of me could care less. This is what I want and considering what I've been through, I deserve that much. I waited for you for 7 years...you can't wait 6 weeks? I think its a croc o - well you know. Even as I write this I feel like the eyes that sent me into an emotional tailspin will read this and begin to plot anew. Its like I feel there is no safe space anymore. How do you get over a violation like that? Its not enough to say, trust yourself and check your intentions. I do that enough, all day, yet I still feel vulnerable. Open to attack with no protection. He's gone now and although I'm sad I know this must be done. Gosh, what next?