Celebration (1993)

I will bring you a whole person
and you will bring me a whole person
and we will have us tiwce as much
of love and everything

I be bringing a whole heart
and while it do have nicks and
dents and scars,
that only make me lay it down
more careful-like
An; you be bringing a whole heart
a little chipped and rusty an'
sometime skip a beat but
still an' all you bringing polish too
and look like you intend
to make it shine

And we be brinigng, each of us
the music of ourselves to wrap
the other in

Forgiving clarities
Soft as a choir's last
lingering note our
personal blend

I will be bringing you someone whole
and you will be bringing me someone whole
and we be twice as strong
and we be twice as true
and we will have twice as much
of love
and everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i quoted it...and i just wanted to share the whole piece with you all

to my two best friends
that i want to be married

all of the things that terrify me about it
STILL terrify me
but
i still want to believe in it's goodness
that it can be something worthwhile

i still want a man who is so wonderful to be with
that i desire to link my life to his

this is a huge HUGE step for me
if you've read any of my older blogs surrounding marriage and such

i'm single (blissfully so) at the moment
feeling free and easy

seeking to make decisions that come from my deepest longings
and from a place of pleasure

so yeah...i want it
even saying it is TERRIFYING to me
but

i also am working on not cursing myself
by saying what i think i can't do or what i think i can't handle
i'm getting out of my own way

and trusting that Oshun will bring me a man who is my match
someone worthy of my trust
time
attention
lovin
cooking

alla my juicy stuff

"i will bring you a whole person and you will bring me a whole person and we will have twice as much of love and everything" ~ mari evans

this is some B.S.

BUT...

i've plowed though three pages of items that needed product descriptions and got them posted.

i have three more pages to go...

i have new photos that i need to take

and THEN

on to fix up the look of my shop and blog and carryin on...

and as exhausting as this is

i LOVE what i'm doin!

i added a bliget that will allow you all to take a peek at my jewelry blog from my profile page...

DO check me out y'all!
i've been working HARD!

peace and blessings!

http://selewa.etsy.com
http://selewa.wordpress.com
www.twitter.com/selewa

making jewelry
taking pictures of jewelry
writing product descriptions (with the help of my mother)
creating a jewelry blog
writing posts for said blog...

i've been BUSY y'all

sometimes i've been annoyed with my human needs
because they distract me from what i'm creating at the moment

hunger
having to use the bathroom
sleep

lol

yeah...but it lets me know that i'm in the zone

and i haven't been there in YEARS

so i am giving thanks for the space to create
for supportive friends and family

to my ori that keeps me headed in the right direction

to my ancestors upon who's shoulders i stand

i love EVERY BIT of this work.

because it is MINE

not me building a brick for somebody else's kingdom

ME

making my own dreams come true...

i feel blessed in all of my comings and goings

i pray that each and every on of you all have an extremely prosperous holiday season
i pray that you are able to successfully and easily balance your work and personal lives
i pray that you have enough time to sleep and eat well and paint your toes

peace and bliss y'all!

Selewa

i'm moving...finally

well...in the morning or something

i'm scared
not really sure why

well...
i'm leaping into the unknown again
moving totally on faith and sheer willpower

Oshun has blessed me such that i will be able to go to ATL
to see a sisterfriend of mine receive Oshun!

so that was a beautiful surprise...i look at those things as signs that i'm moving in the right direction.

i'm working steadily on my life coaching website/blog...i'm scared to death about that too! all my what ifs get kicked up...what if i'm no good? what if i'm too much of a mess to undertake this? what if i never get any clients? all of that is running through my head...

i'm tired of the "tough love" that folks keep tryna give me. stop it please. i need for all love to be gentle.

i watched Quilombo twice tonight...i felt so powerfully moved and inspired by the GANGSTA of the ancestors.

processing the remnants of an abusive relationship are more than a notion...i think about them far more than i want to...i sometimes find myself so deep in the memory of the past that my body is reacting physically to the memory as if i am STILL there!

i give thanks and praise for safety

greetings sistren!

as you can see from my blogs
i have been in a state of flux for quite some time
as such

i've been feeling a bit off my center and not really taking proper care of myself
but today...

i did my feet (tho i may have been a bit overzealous with the buffer)
my pedicure is two different shades of blue

i washed and twisted my locs
and then i styled them up into a mohawk that i've been envisioning for the last couplea weeks

i put my loc jewelry in my hair

i did a facial

i shaped and buffed my fingernails

and put on actual rings...

i didn't go anywhere...but i feel MUCH yummier!

*****SHAMELESS PLUG*****

and if YOU need some loc jewelry www.myspace.com/selewa_wearable_art

i am moving out of my sister's house on thursday
and into a space that i have conjured for myself...

it's a finished basement with french doors and a fireplace...just one large room really
i'll share the kitchen and the bathroom...

i am EXCITED
all of my belongings have been boxed up for over a year
and for the past 5 months i've basically been living out of a couple of suitcases and boxes...

what i wanted in a space...was a large room that could contain my jewelry making/sleeping space/sitting area...and i GOT IT...at a really nice price i might add!

what i'm looking forward to the most is getting rid of everything that no longer serves me. with everything in a box...sentimental ties to belongings have dimmed and i can very quickly and easily get rid of everthing that is less than what i absolutely want to have.

before i moved back south...i went through all of my belongings and removed every outfit that was even remotely questionable and gave it to charity...i was left with two suitcases of clothing that i absolutely loved! and i've been able to pull outfits out of them for the last 5 months...so i'd say that i'm not doing too badly...

y'all have made my DAY!

it's been a wfehile since i stopped in...
i got to feelin like all of my blogs were soundin the same
on some woe is me
i'm so weary and carryin on

which i honestly ain't mad about
cause that's how i was feelin
i just didn't wanna read it 4 and 5 times in different blog entries
so...i posted in one of my other blogs LOL

in any case
coming here first thing this morning
and responding to people's blogs
and soaking up the positivity and listening to the song that i have on my OWN profile was a fabulous start to my day!

i LOVE that i can come here and read positive things
and look at pretty pictures
and revel in the feeling of sisterhood and safety
cause this is one of my "safe spaces" and i give thanks for it.

so today i wanted to say thank you
to ericka for creating and birthing this lovely place
and to ALL OF YOU for being yourselves!
you make this such a lovely place to be!
and you all inspire me to always be my best self
and to be all of who i am!

this past saturday

i got exactly what i needed...

i started off my day by eating fruity pebbles and watchin G.I. Joe

then...

i'm wrestling with fear
i was supposed to get my business license last week
or the week before that...
i pulled the stuff off the innanet that i need to apply for it
and to apply to vend in the farmer's market

ask me if i've filled out a single solitary thing!
nope
not at all

i feel kinda bad about that...

and ion't know what's making me pause so hard...

other than fear

i do this allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time
i get to a point in my planning
and then i stall
like i'm scared to death to succeed

i guess it goes back to that fear of doing new things and whatnot

i'm putting "fill out forms" on my to do list for tomorrow...

and we'll see...at least i caught it before it was months instead of just one week.

on a brighter note...

~~gratitude list~~

i am grateful for...
doughnut holes
my feminine wiles
chocolate
my green short sleeved baby t
clothes that i enjoy
a respectable underwear collection
shoes
having food to eat
having a variety of foods to choose from
being able to get gas again!
my ori
my godson
flirtation
benedryl
having a cell phone
supportive parents
needles and thread
the ability to barter

today i prayed for two things

that my vibration be changed so that i am a reflection of what i want to attract

AND that i get to the bottom of my constant guilt...i have this guilt that plagues every single relationship that i have with a male or female in my life. i feel guilty that i am not prepared for every single solitary eventuality or mood of the person that i am in relationship with.

sounds crazy as hell doesn't it? it feels crazy as hell too...

i haven't ever been able to articulate it this clearly before...but like something will happen...something that i know is a lil tiny blip of a thing...my friend or lover won't even be mad at all! they might just say can you please do the so and so? or can you please not do the so and so?

and i swear it sends me into a tailspin...and for days/weeks/months/years i feel guilty and embarassed that i didn't know to do or not do whatever it was/is.

and i called up a sisterfriend of mine today to help me get to the bottom of it all...and she reminded me that i was okay and that i hadn't done anything wrong or destructive.

i came to some semi-firm decisions
with the encouragement of my sister friend
all of the wonderful opportunites were swirling around me
and i stayed still out of fear that i'd miss something
and my homie said
just pick something...
she reminded me that it's all mine and i won't get left out of anything
so i get to just pick something and keep it moving...
that gave me some ease
i can't say that i'm not still apprehensive in some ways
but
i feel better...
i decided to go here http://www.landofodds.com/beadschool/
since scad isn't feasible right now for several reasons
that way i can still be growin in my craft AND my portfolio will be getttin nice
and perhaps i can get a portfolio scholarship.
i decided that i will make it my business to be at afrikan dance class on tuesdays
and north afrikan dance (belly dance) class on fridays
because i want to study both of them and they are close by and FREE and i conjured them.
i decided that i will promote the hell outta my loc jewelry because it is selling so well and that i will promote the hell outta myself at the afrikan street festival.

this is an utterly disorganized rambly mish mash of thoughts and impressions...basically i'm emptying out my head before i got to sleep. 

first day of my moontime
it was real painful
my iya recommended that i stop eating fish for a while...
the thought of that makes me partially want to kill myself
i think the chicken biscuit from mcdonald's that i snuck the other morning
might actually be the culprit
or perhaps i just shouldn't eat fish anymore while i'm in this landlocked place
cause at least when i'm at home
i know that what i get from the fish market was caught THAT morning
*sigh*
i gotta go get a business license
and fill out an application for a stall at the farmer's market
i got new contacts! YEAAAAAAAAAAY EYES!!!

i have elected to not do scad right now
that was a hard decision...it's a major dream of mine
but i'm just so...
swamped with everything else that i'm doing

that's right i said it
i'm having an excellent boob day!
they wouldn't even FIT in one of my sundresses today without some adjustments
and i was like YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
that's what I'M tawnbout
ever since i did gateway 0 in 04
they just weren't ever the same
and i had to get used to them at the size that they were
and by the time that it occurred to me to pray
for them to return to their original size
i'd already bought a GRIP of fly bras at the vicky hush hush semi-annual sale...
well...
the bras are wearing out now
and i decided to pray on my tatas
and they are TRULY showin OUT!
though it might just be my approaching moontime
but my moontime boobs haven't been THIS big in years either!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
GO BOOBIES GO!!!
and as a complete aside...
i'm craving ethiopian food
and italian food
and mcdonalds
and indian food

*sigh*
my life is in total and complete flux...
everytime i think that i've settled on a course of action that will work for me...something shifts again...
not bad choices
just
it's unsettling
i've always been a planner
often to my detriment
i'll plan something and follow that ish through to the end
even if i stop having fun along the way
even if i start to hate what i'm doing and i become depressed i.e. grad school
so...it's a lesson that i have to learn...
i mean i thought i got it
back in 99 when divinity school
had me in existential crisis every other day
i guess this is part 2
or something
cause it feels like the same lesson
stay loose and fluid
otherwise change hurts and if you actively fight against it...
it hurts worse
i feel like Orunmila
in this odu (i can't remember which)
he was a wrestler
and he could pin ANYBODY
and he had a difa that told him to allow himself to be thrown
it was through allowing himself to be thrown
that he was able to find good fortune and become rich...
so i feel like i'm allowing myself to be thrown
i feel like i'm in the middle of a whirlwind
and oya isn't even partially through with me yet!

www.indiepublic.com would be its name...

my homegirl aya.grace hipped me to it on yesterday
and i have just been ALL over the place on it!
lots of helpful info and social support for indie artists!

peace and bliss ladies!

Osunyoyin

i'm currently self-employed...
it is at times hideously scary
sometimes discouraging
i occasionally become depressed about it all

and i'll be thinking...i have all of these things i'm working towards

my jewelry business
selling avon
my life coaching business

and i'm not getting anywhere with them...

i pass out avon books to an entire apartment complex and i haven't gotten ONE call!

but...i've been keeping at it...i did a mass emailing from my avon site to advertise...
i keep tweaking my philsophy and things on my jewelry page and passing out business cards...

about a month ago...(just as i ran out of money)
a sista placed the largest jewelry order that i'd ever received.
she's a loctitian and she purchased a bulk order of my loc jewelry

she called me today to tell me that she sold every single piece of jewelry that she bought from me...and she wants to place another larger order for next month!

she also said that another friend of hers is also wanting to place an order!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

period panties don't have to be ugly ladies...
what if you had 3-7 pair of extra special lacy italian black panties
and those were what you wore for your moontime?

or some extra fun ones with saying or whatever on the back in a navy blue or burgundy cotton?

i switched out my period panties a few months ago and i am SO much happier about it all...

to be wearing sexy panties on my moontime is a glorious thing...

AND

my iya (http://yeyeyeyeo.com)...who has used glad rags and lunapads says that they really don't leak like traditional pads do...so she just choses her period panties based on what makes her pad FIT the best...

so yeah...

they don't have to be ugly...

i have recently been having alot of trouble loving my body the way that it is...
wading through negative thoughts about various parts of me

and so as an act of self love...i have decided to create myself a private myspace page and fill it with pictures of my body...i'm making albums for different parts of me...

i don't think there will be any face shots on the site...and i may not even have any friends on there...

and i'm going to blog lovingly about my body and all of her/my parts and see what happens...

peace and bliss y'all

i am at the tail end of my moontime

 and i'm pleased

towards the end it starts to feel like my ladyparts are suffocating

it's time for me to get on up to wearing some cotton reusable pads

which you can get via

luna pads

pandora pads

or glad rags

i'm also a HUGE fan of sea sponges

they cost alot more if you get them from the health food store or from an alternative menstrual products company...

i usually get mine from an art supply store or...my next ones are coming from wal-mart...i saw a tremendous bag of them there...

i boil the stew out of them when i get em...

and to clean them i soak them in water and peroxide (which will act as a bleaching agent as well)

and the beauty of the sea sponge

is that you can make love with it in...you may have to dig deep to get it out afterwards...but yeah...

i've actually been looking forward to it

i even enjoy my cramps as long as they stay mild

they're just a reminder that my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing

and this time is always a reminder to pamper myself a WHOLE lot

i gave myself the pedicure of life yesterday

orange and turquoise

inspired my my sistafriend's fly manicures!

three of my toes are turquoise

and the rest are orange

so i'm smiling everytime i glance down at my toes

i won't ever have to decided between two colors again!!!!

i'm feeling lethargic

i mean i don't wanna do NOTHIN!

ion't wanna go no where

ion't wanna cook

i just want to eat

sleep

and drink loooooooooooooooooooots of water and juice

i went and bought a few books today

and felt guilty for the $30 that i spent on them

*sigh*

i deeply despise money being a cause for concern in my life

but back to my moontime...

i was folding clothes on saturday
and having a conversation with Oshun
and i came to the realization
that i just don't think that marriage is good.
there isn't anything about it that i have seen that makes me believe
that it is worth it.

i have paid lip service to the goodness of it from time to time
i have imagined myself married to some wonderful human being
and i have gotten to the point that i would consider having a wedding
(cause i used to not want one of those either...OR any of the accompanying bridal hoopla)

and i was sittin there...
and it fell on me
that i just don't believe it's good
i WANT to believe it
but i don't

and i was FLOORED...cause i hadn't been honest wit myself

years ago i remember tellin my mom (i was in either middle or high school at the time) that i thought that marriage is just something that christian people use to legitimize sex and when the heat is gone then you're left with two people who don't even like each other.

i can't say that my view on marriage is EXACTLY the same...

i went on and started gateway 0...modified style today...i'm focusing on getting a decent amount of sleep (which i never do) and drinking enough water (which i never do)

it's modified style because i'm out of money for extra special food until the 8th sooooooooooooooo...i'm focusing on lifestyle changes and i'll add the food in when it can get in...

my iya said...let it meet you where you are...which is what Queen Afua advises as well...so i'm bein easy with myself...

i am ALSO on a sabbatical...i cain't remember if i spoke about it before...but i'm taking time away from my usual relationships (the one with my man included) and i'm being quiet and focusing all of my energy on me.

i'm just fresh outta extra juice at the moment and all i'm able to do is handle my business.

i'm reading a book on money management...called somethin like for the young fabulous and broke...it's a good book...i can't believe i'm reading it! cause i'm TERRIFIED of money in just about every way you can imagine...

BUT i'm getting prepared for my increased cash flow in advance...so when the money COMES...i'll know what to do with it.

so i was watchin snippets of joseph campbell's the power of myth on youtube.com
i believe it was part 6 of the bliss and sacrifice portion of the piece

and he was talking about sacred space...and he spoke on it as not necessarily a tangible space like a room or a section of floor...but he said that sacred space can be a time that you observe each day.

and that blew my mind...he was basically like erybody should have a time each day in which they don't know what happened on the news or who their friends are...and he said that that is where creativity will take hold...or something to that effect

he said that you may not notice anything happening in the beginning but trust that it is working.

i've also taken some space for myself AWAY from other people including my boyfriend. this has assisted me greatly in not feeling so overwhelmed. now if i could manage to make myself go to bed at a decent hour...who KNOWS what might happen!

but i don't have a home...

i was a lil incredulous when my pendulum stopped there...

i currently live on the futon at my sister's house...

and i am HAPPY to be there!

though i am deeply looking forward to being more settled in my own space

i've been a gypsy for the last year or so...

and yet ANOTHER opportunity has opened up for me to travel

this time it's to one of my dream places to live...

it's been a distant fantasy for SO so long and as i write this... i'm thinking that perhaps what i really need to do is to concieve what type of space i want to be in and focus my energy on creating that...

i am DEEPLY excited but also quite afraid... so i'm going to have to get out of my own way and move beyond what i think of as possible dabble a lil bit in the realm of the "IMpossible"

initially when i realized that was in this gateway i was like WHAT in the world???

and i thought to myself...but i have SEVERAL "virtual spaces"

badly...

i hadn't had a chance til today to truly get up off in that ole ask yeye

that ish makes me wanna hunt somebody down and conceive immediately!

truthfully...when i imagine my most free self
sometimes i get glimpses of marrying when i'm GREAT with child
with my belly out...
because that is the ancient goddessy way to get down
celebrate a fertile union...

in any case...what i want most
is to feel like i'm doin it all on my own terms
i want my OWN house in MY name
and my altima
and a steady income from doin something that i love

i'm ready to do like cocoyam from the odu
and settle down in the mud and bear children

i'm also aware that tho i want to have these things before i concieve
it might just be conception that pushes me to do what i need to do to achieve these things...

i had an astrologer read me once...impromptu like on the front steps of this metaphysical shop...just cause i stopped and said hi to him...and asked him how he got into the business of bein an astrologer...

and everything is too damned loud!
i should be at home
or in some kind of a sacred moon lodge

people are talkin loud in my office (i share it with two other people)
my clients are extra loud
the phone keeps ringin
my officemate is sucking his teeth incessantly
i want to THROW something at him
and i'm feelin extra sensitive

BUT

my first group was canceled
AND i have on the lime green eyeliner and eyeshadow of LIFE
and even tho i dyed my hair blonder than i'd like
i might not hate it
i made it wavy
and when i put it up
and i have my fly eye glamour on
i look kinda like a freaky space flower

i might even like it

course i might also put a cinnamon brown rinse in it and call it a day

i know it's not very crunchy granola of me
to dye my hair with anything but henna...
i don't care overly much
i can still digest granola with brown locs

AND i live alone...so when i go home
i'mma be ALONE

and i brought my tiny lil cd player so that i can create a soundbarrier
betwixt myself and the toothsucka

and i have another bag of kava tea that i can drink...

it's not all bad
not at all

good mornin' y'all..

*sigh*

ion't een know where to begin ion't have a mouth to say how GOOD Oshun is to me ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the time! she has a way of makin it all SO SWEET!

lately i been feelin like the old black women in the church say they feel about jesus... it would be enough for me to spend ALL day worshippin' Oshun on some ole…

When I think about Osun And what she's done for me When I think about Osun And how she's set me free I CAN DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE ALL NIGHT!!!

Cause not only will she make a way outta no way She will make sure that it is paved with gold And littered with brass and beads and abundance And she will make it so you have a new outfit to wear as you proceed down the path that she has made for you wit her coral comb

Woman is the creator of the universe,
the universe is her form;
woman is the foundation of the world,
she is the true form of the body.
Whatever form she takes,
whether the form of a man or a woman,
is the superior form.
In woman is the form of all things,
of all that lives and moves in the world.
There is no jewel rarer than woman,
no condition superior to that of a woman.
There is not, nor has been, nor will be
any destiny to equal that of a woman;
there is no kingdom, no wealth,
to be compared with a woman;
there is not, nor has been, nor will be
any holy place like unto a woman.
There is no prayer to equal a woman.
There is not, nor has been, nor will be
any yoga to compare with a woman,
no mystical formula nor asceticism
to match a woman.
There are not, nor have been, nor will be
any riches more valuable than woman.

Saktisangama Tantra

feeds me
cold
wet (cause he sucks on 'em a lil bit first)
french fries

cause he loves me
and he likes to share...

my brief sermonette...

y'all i just wanted to share witchall

that i am joyful to day
THIS day right here in this moment
i am filled with delight

i have experienced A LOT of flux and turmoil
that was not of my own making

well...maybe i agreed to it in orun so that i wouldn't get stuck where i am *smile*

but yeah...some ish that didn't have nothin to do wit me
chortled up all around me
that EXU/Mercury retrograde WORKED my ass, hear?

the next phase of my journey is coming together
it's coming together nicely
piece by piece

it's like that scene on indiana jones
where he had to walk across that invisible bridge...
mmhm
i had to step out
and as i keep puttin my foot out
another piece of the path appears underneath it

and i am writing to remind you
that anything that you are doing
that makes you feel bad
unsafe
nauseous
bored to death
anxious
overly irritated
unappreciated
or otherwise unluscious

STOP IT

you have all the power that you need
to craft the life that you want

i will not lie to you

it is scary
it is not always comfortable