In the midst of trying to come in terms in finding myself and figuring out what I want to do with my life I have been putting a lot of things on the back burner. That are key to my healing and finding peace of mind. Perhaps I should deal with first before I attempt in making any major life changes. So I guess I need to place the job/career hunt to the side and focus on the internal.

I always have this lingering issue with trusting people.I do not have a big circle of friends. At times I wish I did. I moved to the city in January and really have not made a big effort to expand socially. I have a habit of just not contacting people for a long time and have just let people go. (Some I had to because they were too negative and just wanted to party all the time.)

It's been such a long time since I have shared my thoughts with my beautiful sisters. I do visit the site quite often but rarely have had time to sit down and share. Since the last time I wrote, I was unemployed and at home cookin' and cleanin', trying to be the ultimate wife and step mommy. April 20, 2009, I got hired on the spot at a Social Service Agency in Queens. Its a looong commute from my side of Brooklyn but I shrugged it off and knew it was time. My sister-friend hooked it up and got me the interview. I am so grateful for her kindness and friendship. I literally blew them away and I felt so good. I was so happy, excited, and nervous at the same time. This was going to be my first real job after graduating Undergrad in Social Work. It just seemed like finally everything was falling into place as planned. Although it took a few months, I was finally on my way. "I kept my promise mom, see." However, a few weeks into a month I realized this is not the path I want to lead. I do find it rewarding to want to help out those in need. But, I don't feel like its how I want to help people.

Today I made myself in life anew,

By going to that royal fount of truth,

And searching for the secret of the few

Whose goal in life and aim is joy forsooth.

I found at last the friend and counsellor

That taught me all that I in life should know; I

t is the soul, the sovereign chancellor,

The guide and keeper of the good you sow.

I am advised-"Go ye, have faith in self,

And seek once more the guide that lives in you"

Much better than the world of sordid pelf,

Alas! I found the counsel to be true.

Aha! I know right now that I shall see

The good in life, and be a better man;

I will by thought and deed pull all to me,

In saving others, yea, every one.

Go down and search yourself awhile in part,

And tell me all of what vou see and hear;

Isn't there something pulling at your heart?

Tell me the truth and have ye then no fear!

There is a voice that speaks to man, within,

It is the Soul that longs for you to know

There is no need for you to grope in sin,

For you in truth and light may ever grow.

-Marcus Garvey

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is in the light of the heart."

Presently, that is a lesson I have come to learn and accept as a twenty four year old woman.

Then, I was preoccupied with what the media said was beautiful. A thin, light skinned black girl, with long (chemically processed) straight hair (weave). A girl who had to have all the baby phat jeans and dozens of shoes oh and don't forget about the matching belts and purses. Not saying that I am oblivious to fashion now. But my sense of fashion was to attract the wrong type of energy. Those jeans had to make my butt round and huge so that the brother I was feeling could notice me. When I went to the club I had to show extra cleavage because I was going to have more guys buying me drinks than my girlfriends. Competition, envy, jealousy, alcohol, lust. False!

Dear Sisters,

Pardon me for not being here for awhile as I have been dealing with many things in my world.I want to tell you that as of Jan. 20, 2009, I am unemployed. I voluntarily made this decision Monday night as I laid in bed with my King and he said, "Why don't you just not go anymore and stay with me, we'll figure out the rest as we go." With much excitement to hear him say that he wanted me to move in I went on with it. I called my job, (you don't understand how much I despised this place, the people, and the environment) and got a copy of his keys figuratively speaking. That night was the first night I slept in peace.

translates to fear in spanish

I know it’s an emotion that I have held for much too long. Most days I feel bewildered and unsure of my Self. I know what to do, but somehow I lack enough confidence to take the necessary steps to do.

I worry far too much about what people will think of me (I know I shouldn’t). I did this as a child and would not play games or join any teams because I worried far too much if I dropped the ball or fell, I would get laughed at. But I’ve learned that “Falling down ain’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor.” Could the reason I did not ‘fall’ is why I care too much about others’ opinions?

Some nights I dream of this empowering woman. She radiates so much light, confidence, and beauty. I wake up and contemplate on who she is. Why do I keep seeing her? Why do I feel like I know her? Then, I realize she is me. How? Could it be a prophetic vision? Or simply, a desired image that I want to pursue? Clearly, the logical explanation is something Freud might not even argue.

What a disaster! There are no true vegetables or fruits even on this list. Tomato paste and a deep fried chip are light years away from any kind of earth food. Not surprising but disturbing. In order to achieve wellness, all of these "foods" must be eliminated completely and immediately. The "just once in a while" or "just a little bit approach" can never lead to complete health. For anyone who eats these, or anyone you care about, lets work towards getting these frankenfoods out of our lives and the lives of our loved ones forever.

Hazards Of Your Top 10 Most Popular Foods
http://www.healthyyounaturally.com/edu/top10foodhazards.htm

You are bombarded by TV (and other) advertising with millions of positive impressions about unhealthy foods every day.

Your local grocery and fast food stores are stocked with thousands of items you should NEVER EAT!

Go to plays, musicals, fancy restaurants, exotic trips, museums, zoos, aquariums, spas, seminars, meet motivational speakers, meditate, do yoga, and sip on coconut water everyday.

I want to laugh like an innocent child and cry tears of joy, drive down to nowhere and taken by the road ahead. Take risks, bungee jump, do karaoke, feel butterflies in my stomach again, travel to every continent, and be free of any obligatory things like bills, moms bills, loans, etc

I want to dance and tour like a famous person be on magazine covers and have my own website.

I want to inspire, motivate, be happy, kind, free. I want to be true, real, honest, open at all times.

I want to change peoples lives.

I want to change my life.
I want.
I want.
I want.
I want.

Wake up...

Time to do.

This past year was my 3rd attempt in going all natural!! I have gone past 10 months of transition to going back to the drum roll......... PERM!!!! Why? Often times I wish I could have stuck through with it but well I grew tired of procrastinating and decided to try it again.

Unfortunatley since we All have been LYED to and trained to believe that nappy hair = bad hair. This is not true!!!! The only bad hair is damaged hair; hair that has been ruined by all the evil chemicals trying to look like a certain way, yes it may make our hair look straight, but we do more harm than good, by using it. So out with the bad chemicals and in with beautiful, natural hair...

I will never forget this day July 19, 2008. I cut more than half of my hair. This was the first step I took in embracing self as I was. Despite the frowns and negative comments I never felt so free and happy.

Today I woke up and didn't want to delay my desire to loc my hair and with just five months being natural I went to a loctician and got baby coils. Again, that same feeling I felt in Mid July, I feel right now. Eager to embrace my new journey.

Since I last blogged, my positive vibrations seemed to play an unpleasant tune. At work, I found out there was a rumor that I may be pregnant b/c of how much weight I gained. My initial reaction was fury! People can be so ridiculous. But soon after, I started feeling so down that I gave in and blew off my raw food challenge. I went home and ate my comfort food (lentil soup with rye crackers and hummus.) Since that meal, I put the challenge away for a later time. My focus will be to at least, have a much higher consumption of raw greens and fruits in my diet.

I was also thinking of going to a nutritionist but then again, most follow a SAD (Standard American Diet) regime. I already know she/he may have a radical number of grams and proteins etc I should consume. I have the knowledge on a ital vegan diet, just have to work on will power and become dedicated and save my wallet!

For years I have to admit I have fallen into the destructive cycle by using food (junk food) as a band-aid to appease my woes. As a result to a traumatic childhood and OVEREATING because I was emotionally unstable. I developed an “eating disorder.” Binge Eating…

I feel so good this evening. Today was a very productive and positive day. I woke up with the intention that, "I will make today the best day in a long time" AND "its the beginning of the rest of my life." Healthier, happier, at PEACE.

"Peace it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I woke up pretty late and I didn't leave me much time to make a smoothie so I grabbed an apple and went to work. I spent the bulk of my day munching on fruits and drinking water. To my surprise, I did not feel hungry until I finished my weight training at the gym later this evening and I made a green smoothie. Drank a whole quart. After, I rearranged my living space. (Had to put all my energy to good use) Now I am ready to unwind... sending my gratitude to the universe, for positive vibrations, this beautiful circle, me...

Day 1 .... CHECK

where is she? that little girl that would chase the wind in hopes to seeing it? where is that little girl that had a contagious melodic laugh? where is that girl who sang at every minute and no trace of embarrassment seemed to rise? where is that girl that showered everyone with love because of her innocence? yet some envied... searching for answers to the many questions she asked? 24 years came and went... STILL questions have gone unanswered. at times i feel stuck in a world of chaos and corruption. memories of a dark past have created a toxic womb. i sometimes feel like running away. often times.. heck 99% of the time its easier to run then to face my demons. but tonight a burst of inspiration has encircled my body. tomorrow i will begin a raw food diet in an attempt to cleanse my body, mind, spirit. i will also plan on going to queen afua's seasonal fast shut in in january at her healing center in brooklyn and begin a 21 day fast. from then on i plan on fasting every season. i know most of my qualms are purely mental and spiritual. i am having an issue with balance. need to set my priorities straight. need to focus on me. need to begin living.