I must admit...I've had some pure joy in the past few days and I've decided that is the feeling I will have in my life from now on. MAN, its hard to maintain it, but I must. I am soooooo proud of myself. In the last few days I found out that...my significant other has told another woman he loves her but doesn't want a relationship right now (did I mention this is my ex-fiance who is telling me the same thing but still wants to be in my life? oh sorry) I have been denied readmission to my graduate program (which basically questions my purpose because unless I get that degree, I can't operate as who I am - a counselor.) My nephew who was estranged from the family for so many years because he was the result of an affair entered our lives and the very next day he was jailed. I went to visit him in the prison (my first visit), needless to say I sobbed on the way home (completely different perspective on prison life now). Despite all of that, I have not slipped into a depression. I actually began cleaning my home. From day one of the bad news I started working my way through each room. Is this nesting?

So my Mother and I were talking today and fell into a disagreement of sorts. That is not unusual for us...we both tend to be very firm and vocal in our beliefs. At any rate the discussion today was about the "rightness" of having a traditional wedding ceremony along with all the accompanying parties and gatherings after "shacking up" for several years. She feels that after "shacking" one should just go to the JP and tie the knot. More over she claims this is the "right" thing to do. Now you must understand that my parents are ministers so of course they would never condone "shacking". Imagine the turmoil we went through roughly 4 years ago when I made the decision to "shack"!

I'm OK. lol. I slipped up and forgot who was in control here. For a brief moment I literally lost it. But that serves to remind me of the daily work that is required if I am to truly be. I started a path but I didn't continue it and my emotional tailspin was the result. I've been exercising with my mom for the last two days and really decided to just do the work, trusting that my steps will fall on the predestined path. I'd gotten complacent and overwhelmed. No wonder I felt depressed. Suffocating spaces of life. In order for me to be at peace I must make continuous steps towards my final end. Its true that I've been dealt a few blows...a monumental school bill that must be satisfied before I am allowed to return, an accident that left me without a car since February and limited funds to get it repaired, social responsibilities with pressing financial obligations and the list goes on. You know I think the biggest pressing concern is my living space. Its just not what I want. Its overcrowded with furniture and things. I can't get rid of the furniture just yet because I don't have funds to replace it.

Ok so after allowing the tears to flow today I realize that I'm depressed. Again. Well thats fun. The problem is that I don't really believe I'm depressed or at least don't want to. I thought I'd gotten over this...gotten better but apparently not. Of course it is that time of the month and I could be overly hormonal but I really feel that my physical state allowed my emotions to come forth. I've been avoiding a conclusion like this for some time now. I recently spoke with a friend who had a breakdown similar to the one I experienced several years ago. It took so much work to go from not wanting to get out of bed or not being able to function because action produced tears to getting up willfully every day to face life. I have no desire to start that work over again, but if this is where I am then I have no choice. And the fact that I am back at this place again further depresses me. A source of pride for me was my resiliency. Once I fell into a hole you could bet I would take a different route next time, but somehow, someway I've fallen into a maze. Is this normal in your mid-twenties or is it just me?

writing through it....
So he left and came back. I thought that would be it. I'd know better, he'd know better, we would both just DO BETTER the second time around. I don't know how it got to this point. Am I really that stupid? Do I really crave the presence of a man that much that I am willing to deny reality and quality just to ensure he won't leave. I cannot deny that since he step foot back into my life, things are not the same. I'm trying to make them the same but they just aren't. I do not have the JOY I had. I have good times with him. Really, really good times. I love and cherish our friendship, but my life seems to be crumbling before me. Things just fell into place and now either the puzzle was never put together right the first time or I broke it by forcing a piece in that just didn't fit. Why can't I reconcile this within myself? It cannot be that difficult to leave a man. Can it? I want him, but there are parts of him that just don't mesh well with me or the life I want to lead. My vision is all cloudy now, literally and figuratively. I've got to end this, someway.

Yes I've been running. That only occurred to me recently and I've finally decided to accept that. I think there is a part of me truly afraid to release all that is within for fear that I'll be isolated...funny because I feel isolated now. You would think that at this point in my life I'd be past that. I'm 26 years old and afraid of being alone. WOW. What the devil? The idea that my entire reality is bordered by the fear of isolation is painful.

I’ve always been attracted to traveling and working abroad. I was planning a trip to Africa and due to work demands I was unable to go. I put in on the backburner and decided that I would take my travels after I finish school. Lately I’ve had this yearning within to just go and be with myself. No family, friends or attachments of any kind. I want to travel and just kind of be in nature. Logistically it’s just not doable. I don’t have unending money to just leave work, school and my other activities to pursue this very necessary retreat; however my soul is telling me it MUST be done …..and soon. I went through a very dramatic and damaging breakup over a year ago and I remember very distinctly a small voice telling me to “be quiet and be still”. It was so strong that physically my senses became so sensitive that light and sound bothered me so I had to sit in the dark with no tv or radio. I am not sure even today that I took that assignment seriously…maybe that’s why I feel I back in the same place. I frequently change courses in life so I just figured the universe was telling me to stop doing that. Now I’m thinking that maybe my spirit was calling for more.