Well I was going to wait and write when I was all settled, but I'm itching to write right now, so this phase of my journey may be a 2-parter :) Basically, I've been working very hard. 40 hours per week at the health food store, and on my off days and in the evenings making calls and viewing apartments. No time to rest, no space to heal. I was coming home and sleeping with the lights on because that was the only thing that confused the bedbugs and kept them from eating me alive while I slept. I lost 20 lbs from the stress, anxiety, and conditions in our kitchen which I'd rather not get into, but needless to say made me lose my appetite. (Fortunately I had a good 20 to spare, lol). So long story short, the chaos and conditions were driving me out of my mind. At the same time, there were all these bright spots reminding me why I came to this place. I've met some amazing artists and made wonderful friends, and even through what I've been going through, there's something about this place that speaks to me. I made friends in Brooklyn and I just love the atmosphere there, so that's where I began to work and look for an apartment.

I'm so in love with the beauty of life right now it brings tears to my eyes...there are a few things in the air right now that I'm praying will manifest within the next few days, and I'm trying to wait and post a whole blog about it then, but meantime I'm bursting with excitement! I can say I realized part of the reason things were not going so well and I was unhappy had everything to with spirit. In times when we are intensely tested by the trials of life that is when it's time to focus and pray, several times a day even. It's time to write and reflect, and visualize. Rather than seeing those times as "hard times" or "bad times", I've realized I have to start viewing them as holy times, spiritual times. And uplifitng my spirit is what has gotten me through, and so many amazing changes are taking place. Hopefully I will have more good news to write soon :)

Everything in this place is turning and shifting, and I'm just trying to find my place in it all. It hasn't been easy, but I knew it wouldn't be. The first push was getting here, and now the second will be getting comfortable here. I've committed myself to moving out of my current apartment by the end of the month. The bedbugs got things off to a nasty start. I was so excited when my paintings arrived, I put them up on the walls and got back to my regular routine of painting every morning. Then I found bedbugs running down the walls, so the paintings had to be taken off the walls and stacked in the corner. I went to iron a skirt a couple days ago, and a bedbug came running out, so everything had to be washed and put in plastic bins. I had barely unpacked, and suddenly I found myself packed up again! I still feel very unsettled and almost in a chaotic state.

I've learned so much this week about order following chaos, the calm after the storm. It's been a week of serious reflection and centering for me. It started one morning as I prepared to leave the house. I was in my room getting ready, and bumping my mix of traditional Afro-Cuban music from my laptop. Suddenly, the music stopped, and both of the Orisa prints that someone had given me from Brazil fell off the wall. These were not framed, so they weren't heavy, just pieces of paper tacked to the wall. The two that fell were Oxossi and Nana. That's when I knew something was way off. I had been feeling a little lost all last week, not really sleeping or eating, stressed out, and my head was all over the place. And when those pictures fell down it let me know I had to make a change, but I was still confused as to what it meant. After I got off the subway, I had a voicemail from one of my sisterfriends, a practicioner of Lucumi. "I had a dream about you last night," she said, "so I just wanted to call and see how you're doing." I told her about the pictures, and she helped me break it down. "Oxossi is the hunter. He's a straight shooter, and never misses his mark.

Well so far my experience here in New York has been profoundly beautiful, gut wrenching, and everything in between. I'm getting settled into my spot. I assembled my Oshun altar, and that's a calming presence in my room. This transition has not been easy, so I've been focusing a lot of my energy there. What I know is that I truly love this place. With each passing day, I understand more and more why I was called here. I have some important work to do artistically, mentally, and spiritually. I've spent a good chunk of my adult life looking outside of myself for answers, and looking to others to define who I was. It's time to cultivate my own garden.
But the transition is by no means easy. New York is definitely more expensive, and the competition for jobs is much greater. I apply for things every day, but I panic a little, because I have two months I can sustain myself before I would have to leave. I don't want to do that, because things are very positive for me here, and I'd hate to throw in the towel before I even got started! But I'm determined, so I'm trying to just breathe, pray, and be patient.

Well the last couple of weeks have been quite crazy and stressful, but I've been keeping myself grounded with prayer and visualization. Craigslist had become
a part time job for me, as I searched through mounds of overpriced, too small, and too weird listings for apartments in New York. I came across an ad for 2 female artists looking for a room. I called, and had a nice conversation with one of the roommates. We made plans for me to come and view the apartment the following week.
I arrived in New York on Monday, and as soon as I stepped out on the street, all my senses began to sing. I had been anxious about such a big move, but once I arrived, I knew I was home. I took the subway up to Washington Heights, a neighborhood just past Harlem and Spanish Harlem. While riding, I prayed for a positive experience, and visualized having a set of keys handed to me. When I got off the subway, I could feel some of my ancestors waking up, real excited. The neighborhood has a huge Afro-Latino population. The streets were filled with life--beautiful families, bustling fruit stands, merengue music blaring. I loved the energy there. But now there was the matter of the apartment.

Well, this weekend I took a much needed break from everything, in the wilderness with me and 3 sisterfriends, what could be better? One of my friends is getting ready to attend school in South Africa for a year (after which she'll be joining me in New York, yay!) and wanted to have a proper send off with her girls. She's from Humboldt County and invited us all up to her family's house for the weekend.
Now I'll be honest, at first I did not want to go. Not because I wasn't thrilled about the idea, but I knew how much packing, bill paying, phone calling needed to be done before August. I just felt like now was not the time. But I also knew I was stressed out, and completely worn out from everything going on lately. So on Friday morning the four of us rented a car (a big white pickup truck, very cheap because of the gas prices) and headed north.

I'm definitely a "yes" person. I love to give, love to be of service when I can, and over the years I have even done it at the expense of myself, giving more than what I could, and having some of my needs not met as a result. It was actually financial guru Suze Orman who got me to rethink doing this. She was talking about how many women have a problem of giving and giving, and decimating their own energy and resources as a result. She went on to say that that's not truly giving, because you're really just transferring suffering in a way, there is still someone in need, only now that someone is you. She said that true giving is when we can give freely, and when those choices enhance our lives, not bring them down in some way.

Well, I'm happy to say things are looking up. I've been working hard, and praying a lot. I sold a couple of paintings last week, and got 2 pieces accepted into a show at a gallery in Chicago. Me and the mister are working things out, sharing responsibilities and talking a lot more, talking a lot about the future and even marriage, which is lovely in a mind blowing sort of way.
Prayer has been keeping me centered through my full time temp job and other obligations. Even if I've had a crazy day and I'm half asleep, I'll wake myself up to pray for a few minutes. It's nice to take time out of all my secular commitments to honor a spiritual one, and sometimes it's my only moment to myself!
The move is still happening, as in I am being MOVED. Any time I feel sad or scared or panicked, some little sparkly shred of something drops right in my lap saying, "keep going!" Things are opening up in a beautiful way, and that's what helps me keep the faith. Financially, spiritually, socially...the path is being cleared in a way I can hardly believe. So I'll continue to follow my truth.

Well I'm here in the house, after taking a much needed day off work. Pandora is providing me with a perfect hot day mix of Zap Mama, Jill Scott, Goapele, India.Arie, windows are open, and I'm feeling like the flowers on my fire escape--half wilted from the heat, just trying to hang on.
I'm writing this not from a sad place, but from a place of observance and wonder. My uncle died thursday, and not just any uncle, Uncle Melvin. He was the one who always had his arms outstretched when we walked in the door, always had a smile, loved a good joke, would stir us family members up in a discussion, only to give a mishcevious smile when he was eventually found out. This was the man whose relationship with my aunt I so admired, I loved to watch them together, cooking and fussing and laughing, a love that had aged like a fine wine. He died peacefully in his sleep, after having lead an amazing life, seeing the world, raising a family, surrounded by wife, children, and grandchildren. I only cry for myself, because I'll miss his presence in this world. But he blessed us all so much.

Well, this evening, or rather, at 12am this morning, my mate of 5 years left me. How did all this come about? It's still a blur I'm trying to make sense of, but I can't sleep so I thought I'd try to write about it. I noticed him becoming distant when my plans to leave for New York became more definite. We had talked about us both moving out there, and he just wanted to save extra money for a year, then he was ready to go. As the weeks went on, that began to shift. I asked him so many times, "are you sure this is what you want?" He always assured me it was, and said that when he says he's going to do something, he does it. His track record gave me no reason to doubt him. But his behavior had myself and all of our friends wondering. They would take me aside and ask, "are you sure he's going to join you?" And I said I was simply taking him at his word. But the past two weeks were hard on both of us, and that's when things began to unravel.

Spring is a time of new beginnings, and I'm definitely starting to feel that energy. It's amazingly hot outside right now, so much so that my man and I are sleeping on the futon in the living room so we can have all the windows open with somewhat of a breeze coming through. People are outside, and everything is beginning to bloom. I'm having an up and down time lately, mostly because money is tight. It sucks to go to the grocery store and not be able to get that big beautiful bag of grapes, or to say no whenever a friend asks me to dinner. But the amazing thing about having all these things I can't do, is that I take immense pleasure in the little things I am able to do. I'm at home a lot more, which at first used to drive me crazy, but now I love it. I'm painting a lot, and I'm also hand stitching these amazingly crazy wall hangings made out of vintage clothes that no longer fit me. I've been saving them for so long, and now that I've had time to slow down and think, I have a ton of ideas for how to use them.

Well, today is a turning point in my life. Over the past year or so I've been coming out of a period of dysfunction that has been going on since I was about 18. That was the age when I was given the world, and it all came crashing down at the same time. All my life I had this amazing great aunt. She was like the women you see in movies sometimes. Every time you come over she has a big hug and a plate waiting. She was the sweetest, warmest woman, as well as incredibly smart and witty. Growing up, she was my everything. Then when I was 18 she died in the strangest way. She was sitting in her late husband's easy chair, a chair she had sat in a million times before, and it closed up on her. It wouldn't open. She was home alone and struggled for over 3 hours to get free. Anyways, that took such a toll that her body gave out and she died a week or so later. Our family was devastated, but that was only the beginning.

Today a voicemail from a friend got me thinking about how I handle confrontation and relationships. It takes A LOT to get me angry, I'm usually the type to shrug things off or really try to put myself in the other person's shoes and consider the reasons for their actions. If I do get mad at someone, it's a culmination of wrongdoings, and that takes a long time. I hate getting mad, and I hate arguing. If I'm arguing with someone, my whole body trembles because it's just too upsetting. And normally I just get disappointed more than mad. When I'm disappointed because someone has done me wrong, I tend not to confront them. I hate to tell someone how they've hurt my feelings or messed up. So normally I simply take a vow of silence. I cut that person off, don't talk to them for a long time (usually several months) until I can figure out how to handle the relationship.

Well the blessings have been pouring in lately, and it has truly left me in awe. I'm so thankful for the wise and comforting words of the women on this site, as well as those who I get to interact with in person every day ;)
In addition to the wonderful ymib article, a young woman in Philadelphia did an interview with me for her blog, and I wanted to share. There are photos of a couple of new pieces, and her whole blog is just wonderful, she interviews all kinds of women. Check it out:
www.sisterssanctuary.blogspot.com

Well after quite a bit of soul searching I made a major decision a few days ago. It's time for me to follow the dream that I've put on hold for so many years: It's time to make my move to New York. I lived there for a summer when I was 20 and I loved it. I just "fit" there, like I never thought I would. I left vowing I would return after I finished school, and over the years have visited several times. Then I fell in love. We moved in together, and settled into a wonderful life. I put my dream on the back burner and decided maybe I would stay forever, get married, and raise a family here, close to our friends and relatives. I was quite happy with this at first, but something still wasn't right.

Well this weekend the weather was GORGEOUS. I'm talking temps in the 80s. Everyone was out and about, sun shining, birds singing, it was glorious. Now normally I would have put on something cute and headed down to the local outdoor hangout, Ashby flea market, where I would likely see lots of my friends. But I realized something: now that the weather is getting warm, I'll be out of the house a lot more. And nothing sucks more than having a nice time out in the world and them coming back to a home in disarray. So instead, I put on my overalls, some good samba music, and got to work. I mopped, scrubbed, and organized, and it felt great! My space was clear, smelled fresh, and I felt so much better. Next I decided to tackle my bare little fire escape. I went to the nursery and got strawberry and lettuce plants, daisies, petunias, rosemary, sage, and thyme. After dinner I climbed out on the fire escape and soaked up the last of the day's warmth getting my hands dirty and potting plants. It was so much fun! There's something healing about having your hands in the earth and making things grow. I only wish I had more space to do it in!

So today I went for a job interview to be a secretary at a charter school for Native American children. I was excited because I thought I was headed into an environment where I would be making a difference. When I got to the school I was taken aback. It was a church. The ad I answered made no mention of the school having any kind of religious bent, and it immediately brought me back to what the indigenous people of America went through, forced into churches to pray to a god they didn't know, beaten and abused if they followed their own traditions. My whole body said, "oh, no." But I had an appointment, so I steeled myself and went inside. It turns out the school had just been set up in an old church building, but that news still did not put me at ease. The secretary at the front desk was completely unfriendly, and tossed a packet of information at me, telling me to wait in the office. As I read through everything, something still was not right. The children wore uniforms (ok fine) but there was this extremely hard lined policy against color. The children could only wear white, black, and khaki. The girls couldn't even have a colorful ribbon or barrette.

A couple of folks wanted to know the story behind my tattoo, and I'm in a writing mood this morning so I figured now is a good time. I got this tattoo last year, at a time in my life when everything was shifting. I was working in the gift shop of a museum claiming to be celebrating the culture of the African Diaspora, but instead a message was being pushed that we are all Africans, that the culture and roots belong to everyone. It was like they took the message of life beginning in Africa and perverted it. I hope that part makes sense, I know it sounds a bit strange. Meanwhile I'm working in this shop where all these powerful and sacred objects have been imported from all over the world, pieces used in rituals and all kinds of ways, and they were just being tossed around like silly toys. Basically to sum it up, I felt like I had stepped into some kind of crazy universe where my culture was being bought and sold. It was just too much. I was also attending San Francisco State and taking classes in the Black Studies department, and learning so much about our history. We had a class called "Kemet and the Dawn of Science", which was where I was introduced to the principles of Ma'at.

I love that Nina Simone song (Feelin Good) because it emotes so many things at once. She's singing about feeling good, but the slightly ominous nature of the melody lets you know it was no easy road coming to this place of piece. It's the kind of song I could imagine Harriet Tubman singing the first time she made it north. "I've been through hell, but I've come out strong, and I've come out singing." That's sort of how I've been feeling lately.
I've found a new sense of peace in my life through my spiritual studies and prayer on the path of the Orixas (I'm calling it that for now because I don't yet know if I'm headed toward Santeria, Lucumi, or what. I'm taking it very slow), my womb work, and going over the principles of Ma'at on a regular basis. My spirit has felt so full. So when my friend told me she wanted to have a women's gathering at her house Saturday, and to bring something for the altar, I didn't think twice and went to fill my spirit some more. That day would turn out to be more powerful than I'd ever imagined.

So, according to statistics, I live in the 4th most dangerous city in the nation. Members of my family that live here are looking to move out, and members of my family that don't live here are asking me why I choose to stay. Friends that come to visit from my sleepy suburban hometown don't want to come visit at night, they're worried something will happen to them. I had one girlfriend park in front of my building and ask, "will my car be safe here?" Now I love my girl to death, but she has one very old and not so nice looking car! I told her I had no doubt it would go untouched. Anytime I dare to say I love Oakland, I'm met with a barrage of statistics and news reports my friends and family have seen. But if you don't live here, or you haven't spent any extended period of time here, it's hard to understand. I'll try to explain:

I wanted to share this video of my art installation for International Women's Day. This was a very powerful gathering of sisters and I am so proud to have been a part of it. I hope you enjoy it, there's a whole lot of Oshun energy here as well :)

"Take A Walk In Her Shoes" Art Exhibit from Marissa Arterberry on Vimeo.

Sadly, I have to preface this blog by saying I've witnessed a LOT of anger this week! On one of the most beautiful warm Sundays we've had in months, I witnessed about 3 Black women screaming at their children and their children's fathers. I've dealt with the effects of my mate eating copious amounts of red meat, starches and protein shakes (with little else in his system) storming around the house in some sort of testosterone/meat hormone induced rage. I had an elder sister, within the context of a debate on the diversity (or her perceived lack thereof) in our dance troop attack me personally with racist names I have never been called in my life, nor could I dare to repeat. I've kind of been reeling, feeling like I have to duck this week! There's a lot of anger flying around, especially from our folks. That said...

Well, I've done it. I've transitioned out of the retail work I was doing before into the world of art, my passion. From fall all the way up until now I was able to work at a museum and do an internship at a non profit art gallery. It's been exciting, and so rewarding to finally work in the field I feel I was destined for. And I'm in an interesting place as both positions draw to a close this month. My first instinct is to jump into the next thing, the next pathway or opportunity. But I remember what I read this fall about the pause and how important it is. I've learned to look before I leap. I have goals and things I want out of life, and I feel like they are more clear now. Money is a factor at this point, but my new goal is to have it along with fulfillment. They go hand in hand. When I'm balanced, everything is better. So at this moment, I hit pause to look at my dreams, my aspirations, and meditate on my next move. Patience and clear thinking is key.

First of all, I have to thank my sisters for their kind words after my last less than happy blog posting. Marjorie, your words affected me on a profound level, and I thought it warranted another blog rather than just a comment. Yesterday was tough because of all I was going through. I felt lost, and not like myself. I turned my phone off so that I could simply be in silence, because I felt worn out, like I had no more positivity left to give anyone. When I turned it back on to make a business call, my mother called on the other line. I told myself not to pick it up, but I don't screen my mom, lol. She told me that she and my brother had decided to drive up to Oakland and visit my grandmother. I knew I couldn't go. I didn't have a smile or a sweet word left in me, I could barely speak. "I have work to do!" was all I could manage to spit out. Mom was taken aback. My brother was leaving town the next day, they were coming to my city, and I didn't want to see them?!?!

About an hour ago, I had a moment where I felt like my entire life was swirling around me like a tornado. I looked around and said, "is this my life?" Lately I've felt like I'm running in place, striving for so many things that never seem to come to fruition. It's hard because in my mind I'm picturing myself in all these different places: Africa, New York, Brazil, Paris...every fiber of my being just wants to pick up and go. But I made a promise to myself that I would stay still until I accomplished some things as an artist. Part of what has always held me back is that I'm constantly looking for the next exciting opportunity or escape, neglecting what's right in front of me. I never want to travel to escape myself. I would come back richer for the experience, but with all the same mental obstacles in my way. I decided I have to meet some goals, make some other dreams come true before I can travel again. It's hard because for a little while I was going on a trip each year. So now, naturally, I have that itch, especially as my friends make their plans to escape to various locales around the globe.

Very recently I took a good hard look at my physical self, from the inside out, and I was concerned with what I observed. I noticed I have low energy and got winded easily and sometimes feel generally sluggish. I also noticed (this is what worries me most) that I've been getting phantom pains in both breasts, a sudden shooting pain that moves around. When I spoke to my doctor about it, she told me the pain was either premenstrual (which it wasn't, I know what that feels like) or due to sore chest muscles beneath my breasts, which I also knew was wrong because the pains are occur in the fatty tissue. So I turned to a source that has been more reliable for me: Queen Afua. In both Heal Thyself and Sacred Woman she talks about how dairy and flesh foods feed tumors, cysts, etc., especially in women. And from Dr. Afrika I learned that most doctors are trained so that they'll only know what to do once you are ill, i.e. after you get the cancer, have the heart attack, etc. Before that, many will tend to say, "you're fine", even though your body is telling you otherwise.

This week I had the privilege of seeing Alice Walker speak at an event. That night I bought her latest book, "We Are The Ones We Have Been Waiting For: Inner Light In A Time of Darkness". Basically, it's a series of "meditations" (things she's been thinking about, wisdom sent to her by others) and they have been having a profound effect on me. One meditation in particular, all about "the pause", I thought was well worth sharing:

"[At] a time when a major transition from confusion to order has been completed, and everything is (at last!) in its proper place, interestingly, according to the I Ching, this is a time not of relaxation, but of caution:

Yesterday I was reading Queen Afua's book Sacred Woman, having a day to myself, when I had the feeling I should buy a copy of this book and take it to my friend in San Francisco. I'm very blessed to have a group of about 7 or 8 sisters who are very dear friends to me, through ups, downs, and everything. Recently one of them move into a yoga ashram, and I kept getting reports back from the other sisters that they were concerned about her. I head the ashram was dark and unwelcoming, her room was too small, she had too much time to herself, and was developing some ideas that had her friends worried. So when I got this book and went to go take it to her, I went in prepared to for the worst.

Well it's been a couple weeks since I left my retail job (thank you for all the words of encouragement sent my way, they were truly a blessing) and I feel better and a little more like myself each day, because I'm now walking within my purpose, what I was sent to this earth to do: create art and foster artistic expression within others. The internship has been going well, and I landed my second goal: a job assisting class field trips at the Oakland Museum, a job that will help update my skills so that I can begin teaching kids' art workshops and things like that.
There were quite a few times over the past couple of weeks when I was scared, or felt like I didn't have the support of people around me. But prayer has helped so much. I prayed for opportunities suited to me, and they are starting to appear. And the other amazing thing about prayer is that it makes one's fears diminish, and centers you within yourself. So every day, I pray my fear away, and I'm thankful for each moment I have. Reflecting on my blessings makes me realize my life isn't "messed up" as some folks say! I have a home, a supportive partner, healthy food to eat, paint...life is good.